Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Turning Point by Petra Luna

Welcome To My Personal Blog!
This blog was given to me as a gift from Absolute Zero. Isn’t it beautiful???

Many times over I have been asked, “What happened to you to make you so driven towards fighting child abuse?” Well there is one of my abuse stories that had changed my life and to launch this beautiful new blog, I have sat down to write it.

(Note: The names have been changed to protect the people involved in this story.)

THE TURNING POINT by Petra Luna

I met Sam in 1997. He was extremely handsome and charming, as many abusers are. I stayed with him three years. The first two years were great until the end of the third year when we got engaged and I moved in with him. I had a great life in the city of Chicago and my apartment was a steal! But I decided to move to the suburbs with Sam and let the city life go for him. He had 3 children, a teenage daughter and son from a first marriage and another small daughter from a second marriage. At the time, he was going through a vicious and difficult divorce with his second ex-wife. I never understood her rage until I learned who Sam really was, and that was not until I moved in. I set up my little office in a downstairs room, while the rest of the house and his office and computer were upstairs. His oldest son was named Brent. He was always in and out of prison and drug rehab. He would cut himself with a razor. There were always slices on his face, arms, legs and abdomen and his drug of choice was heroin. Sam and I would fight often about how I felt that Brent was not being given a fair shake since he was forced to live on the streets and could never come home to Sam’s house since he couldn’t “follow the rules”. Sam and Brent had a strained relationship. His daughter from the 1st marriage, Shawna lived with Sam’s parents since the divorce and was very lucky for that. Candi was his youngest 4 year old daughter from the most recent marriage and her mother was the one in a divorce and custody battle for her. Sam had Candi three days a week during their divorce litigation. After I got moved in and settled, little Candi would always want to be downstairs and play in my office. After the second week, Sam would scold Candi for spending too much time downstairs. You would think if I were to eventually be her step mother, that he would want me to bond with the child. I started to see a terror in the child’s eyes for her father, but I was in denial at the time. Love is not just blind, it is stupid. Shauna would visit on occasion and when she did, Sam seemed to ignore her and she would sit with nothing to do, so I would always try to take the teens to activities and then get angry with Sam for not doing his part. Meanwhile, the battle to let Brent come back home off the streets raged on. All of his kids seemed to want to bond with me. Perhaps, I was the only sane adult in that house at the time.

The relationship between Sam and I grew even more toxic and abusive. I knew he had an abusive side and he did abuse me at times, but as any good victim, I had every excuse to defend him. By the time I moved in, he had me completely, mentally brain washed and I allowed him to abuse me sexually against my will. After a lifetime of abuse I had no skills to combat the abuse in any way. I just submitted 100% with no will to protect myself. I had never met the 2nd ex-wife but was friendly with the mother of the teens from the first marriage. At the end of the third week there, he came up to me and told me that I had to move out by the end of the week. “Why so soon!?” I was shocked that I had picked up my entire life to be with him and he did not even give me a week to move out of his house. I was crushed beyond all comprehension. A day latter he presented me with what he called a “Sex Contract”. The contract said that I could stay at his house if I promised to have sex with him wearing whatever he wanted, however he wanted and whenever he wanted. I told him that I needed to think about it. After a few hours of prayer, I took the contract and tore it up in his face. He left for work and then the phone rang. I don’t normally answer his phone but I though it was him calling to give me an apology for the thousandth time. It was Melony, his first ex-wife and the mother of the teens. She asked for Sam and I told her he was not in. She could see that I was crying and asked if I was alright. I told her that Sam was being awful to me and continued to cry. Without hesitation she told me, “Get your stuff and get out of that house, TODAY!! You have no idea what you are involved with over there.” She was married to Sam for 12 years so I knew I should listen. I moved out a week latter into an apartment in the same town so I could continue to date Sam. I know, you are thinking, she is crazy. Well, I was. After I left, Sam found another girlfriend and I became suicidal. I was so ready to die that I was writing out a little will for myself. I could not and would not live without him. I was too far gone. Melony started to check on me and knew I was near the end. She invited me over 3 times a week for prayer vigils so that I would not kill myself. In a few weeks God did give me the strength to survive. I can thank Melody for saving my life. She did. I had hard feelings for Melody because she was married to a man that didn’t like or want kids. He would not allow Brent to even visit. I confronted him and asked why he would marry a woman with kids if he did not want them. I also would grill her as to why she would choose a man over her kids. Despite the opinions, she became by best friend and would let me cry on the phone with her for up to 6 hours at a time, a real saint. Sam eventually left the new girlfriend and returned to me. I was in therapy but had no resistance to him. As always, I was a perfect victim. Although, when I did go back, I was seeing things through different eyes and I was not as trusting. The therapy was starting to help. God was keeping an eye out for me and I could feel it, this time around.

Then one night changed everything for me. I was cooking and Brent came to dinner. He started begging Sam to let him stay the night and as always, his father said no. Then Brent said that if he couldn’t stay with his dad that he did have somewhere to go but he would have to have sex with the man in order to earn his keep. I watched for Sam’s reaction and it was just a blank stare. After another half hour of begging, I asked if he wanted me to take him myself since it was the middle of winter and he didn’t have a ride. I got in the car with Brent and drove him to the man’s house and cursed his fathers name the whole way home. When I flung open the door, it was war! I screamed at him and said, “What kind of man would let his own son go and prostitute himself to have a bed to sleep in at night?” My eyes were opened at that point. Denial showed its evil head, but this time it was different. A few days later, I walked in on him and little Candi in the shower. I will spare the details. I ran out of the house shaking. That was it! I have to do something to protect little Candi and that was my final decision. If not, she will end up just like Brent someday or even worse, dead on the streets at 14. That was not going to happen to her, not on my watch!

I went to Melony and started asking why her son was so messed up? We visited Brent who was living in horribly, filthy conditions in a basement room without heat. Please keep in mind that the Chicago area has record low temperatures in the winter time. Melody started to tell me how Sam’s mother was suspected of sexually abusing Sam and then I snapped. I told her that if she doesn’t help me find out what was wrong with Brent that she was a failure as a woman and a mother. At that point, I cut her off from lack of respect. I believe a mother should defend her children with her life if necessary. I told her that she and ex number 2 was scared of him but I wasn’t and he can go to hell! I am reporting him with or without them. Many times I told myself, “These are not my kids, just walk away,” but I loved them and simply could not. I was not scared of him any more and Melony and the 2nd ex-wife needed to step up to the plate! It took me another month but Melony decided to help me for the sake of Candi. She started by writing a 4 page letter about all she remembered that had happened I the past. She remembered how at a family function one year, that her nieces complained of Sam touching them inappropriately. She also recalled walking into Brent’s room to find him inspecting his rectum. She suspected that his anus was injured and although she had suspicions, she was too afraid of Sam, being his victim for so many years at that point, to act on them. She told me the creepiest thing one time. She said that before my children were even born, that he had her believing that they weren’t even hers. Now that is brainwashing at its worst, ouch! Then we tracked down ex number 2 and she said that one day Candi came home telling her that Daddy had touched her in the underwear are. She took the child to be examined by a doctor, but Candi’s hymen was not broken. Even Brent to opened up and admitted to a family friend that his father had been raping him for years. It was on. We called DCFS, the county and the state police but ex number two decided that since she was scared of Sam and in a custody battle, so she would not get involved. Brent at first promised to testify, but Sam caught wind of our plans and was able to silence him by letting Brent come home to an allowance and his own room. Since Brent had turned 18, we were not able to pursue the case if he refused to testify. Brent refused to talk after that. I guess drug money to an addict is more important than justice or Candi. Melony and I were crushed. We had to let it go and just pray for little Candi.

Two weeks passed and Sam showed up at my job with flowers and yet another marriage proposal for me. After many ignored phone calls, I finally picked up and told him everything we accused him of and that Melony and I had reported him to the authorities. His only response was, “You can’t prove anything” in a tone as cold as ice. Any innocent man would have attempted to clear his name and straighten out the misunderstanding. Not him, he was guilty as hell and he knew it. I would cry myself to sleep thinking about little Candi and how I failed to protect her. Candi’s mom never hated me like I thought, she was glad to have me live there and keep an eye on her daughter. Now, no one could save her. I could only pray for all of them.

Two months had passed and I started dating a man long distance. He was an executive from the west coast. It was all I could handle at the time. Besides, I wanted to leave Chicago for good after that. There were too many bad memories in that town. One Sunday night, after spending a great weekend with my new man, he and I were driving to the airport, so he could fly back home, when my best friend, at the time, called me crying hysterically. She said that Sam was dead and that he had committed suicide. His funeral and memorial service were some of the worst experiences in my life. I actually mourned the passing of my worst abuser, unbelievable! After the services, I went to his house and saw the bed where he shot himself, with blood all over it. I don’t know why, but I had to see it. His mother was there and I asked her if there was any fowl play since Brent was living there at the time and he was found by his then girlfriend at the time. I never knew her name. I figured maybe Brent drove him to guilt or threatened to expose him for whatever reason. His mother, who always thought that I was never good enough for her son told me plainly that the coroner declared it a suicide and that was it. I was able to locate the officer who found him and also spoke to him. I told him everything and he said what I was thinking, that any innocent man would have tried to clear his name and that many child molesters take their lives out of guilt. At that point I stopped digging. The Lord’s justice was not to be messed with.

Two years passed and I was able to pay off my large debt and move to Los Angeles. That incident inspired the writing of my CD “Empowerment”, which I recorded here in LA. I was so upset that he not only preyed on and destroyed his everyone’s lives around him, but he left his children with that terrible legacy of his death. I still get to spend holidays with his kids occasionally and I keep a picture of Candi by my bed to remind me of my purpose. Oh, and Melody eventually left her husband that did not want kids around. Candi now lives with her mom and a loving step dad. They are all very happy.

Then I got angry.

9 comments:

The Speaker said...

I'm glad you got angry. People like you are wonderful and deserve admiration. I've told you this before and I will tell you again,thank you for what you are doing.

Reaper said...

It's a good parent that looks after kids that aren't their's. That's definitely you, Petra. I think it's good that you put it into words, and shared it with people, cause thats one of the many things that AA taught me.

Steps 1,2,3:
Honest
Open-Minded
Willing

Step Four: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (Wrongs being anything that's holding you back, whether you did it, or it was done to you).

You're doing good, P. You're using your past as a guide for your future, instead of letting it keep you going in circles, and in the process, you're making more of a difference than you may know. Congratulations, and keep up the good work, cause you're not doing anything wrong, and by trying to defend children that weren't your's, you weren't doing anything wrong even then. ;) I'm proud of you, Petra, keep up the good work, cause the more you put the past behind you, and realize that you didn't do anything wrong, the more of a difference you'll be able to make, and as time goes on, you'll be able to do things that you can only imagine right now. You're already a wrecking ball to the pedos, and in time, you'll be much worse than a wrecking ball. lol Don't let anyone ever tell you that what you're doing for kids is wrong, cause a responsible adult will protect a child, by any means necessary, because they can, not because someone says they have to. You're doing it because you can, and I have a lot of respect for you for that. ;)

-Reaper Of Souls

jeni said...

I am so sorry you had to go thru this my sister was a fighter she lost her fight and died from her abuser. SHe would be so proud of what you are doing and we are to she is with you i know helping you fight this strong fight and we are to we love you thanks so much love jen

Max said...

Yours is an amazing story, which shows genuine strength and bravery not only for having survived the experience, but also for candidly speaking out. Thank you for bringing your history to the War chronicles: you can bet others will read, share,and be further galvanized in the efforts to stop child sexual abuse and domestic violence. Again: thank you.

martha said...

I was Candi,
My father killed himself when I was 7 because people finally began confronting him. Both of his children from his first marriage were damaged to the point that they both needed "help" from the mental industry, which they didn't really get. They just told my half sister Anne she needed medication (probably to shut her up, why else do they medicate so many adult childhood abuse survivors instead of trying to stop the systematic abuse?). My dad was also a psychologist and insisted Anne was making things up. I met Anne once and she started my understanding that my dad was not "loving" me when he was making me feel so bad and confused by telling me to lie about his touching. My dad was a coward and wouldn't face what he had done even if it meant helping heal the damage he had created. I am glad my father killed himself, he deserved to die for hurting my sisters, brothers and me. It also stopped his abuse so I could start to heal, even if it was on my own. I thank you Petra for standing up for victims who really have no voice!! The child in me feels a little safer, knowing your here......

Rev. said...

My dear friend,I am glad you found the strength to share this story,I know it was hard having to re-live it again.I knew the time would come when it would be right for you to tell the world,what had brought you to where you are today.

I remember you telling me the story and I kept my word and never said a word,it was not my place to tell.We were together that day,watching your face and hearing your voice,the pain,anger,the frustration made my heart ache for you and the children.I still pray for them today and always will.

We often go through things in life we cannot fathom until we are past it and can look back.God set you on your path the day you met him and it is that path that has brought you where you are today.You are a brave,honest,giving,dedicated warrior of a woman.I commend you for that and am proud to be in this fight with you and to call you...my friend.May God bless you all the days of your life.He will bring you to the top of the mountain...

MLG said...

Thanks Petra for sharing your story. It breaks my heart to think that mothers wont protect their kids from their abusers for whatever reason. The damage an abuser makes stays with the child forever, and by the moms not protecting their abused kids, it just makes that pain even deeper.

May God keep guiding you and may he give us all the strenght and courage to fight with you.

Boston Chick said...

Sad story. You do alot of good for children Petra. Keep up the good work and don't let anyone get you down.

Bleu said...

Wow. What a very sad and inspriring story. Thanks for sharing it with everyone!