My Childhood Sexual Abuse (and the “My School Years” Blog Addendum)

This is an extrapolation to the blog I wrote in 2008 titled “My School Years by Petra Luna”. I am writing this as an addendum because when I wrote the first blog, I was not ready to tell the world my entire story, but now I am. It took a long time for me to talk about my years of sexual abuse because for some odd reason, I felt that in some way it was my shame to have. I finally succumb to the fact that no matter what I did, being groomed to have sex at an inappropriately young age was not my fault.

When I was 11, I was a very sad and lost child. My father and mother were constantly fighting. She rejected me and he was never around. I was a late bloomer in terms of my development and was very self conscious about it. I also was starting to run wild at that point. I was wearing “rocker” clothes, with miniskirts, fish net stockings and high heels, kind of like Madonna in the 80s with lots of makeup. I hung out at the malls and arcades because any place was better than being at home. Another thing that kept me coming back was that fact that I realized I could get older boys to pay attention to me. Being so incredibly starved for attention and admiration, I became hooked on their charms. I knew I was turning out to be a pretty girl and soon learned that I was attractive to boys. In desperation, I was determined to use what I had to get any kind of attention and love I could get, since I was not getting any at home and I was bullied and excluded at school.

While loitering, two boys named M and T started paying attention to me. They were two years older than me and had cars. That made them even more exciting to hang out with. Soon after I met them, they asked me to sneak out of my house at night after my family fell to sleep, to go out and “party” with them. I would regularly crawl out my bedroom window at 12 midnight and return before sunrise.

Ostracized at school, abused and neglected at home, feeling very lonely and sad, I became obsessed with the new attention. In hind sight, I was the perfect target to be victimized. I was already smoking cigarettes and they soon introduced me to drugs and alcohol. Basically, I was going to do anything to look cool so that they would keep me around. At only eleven years old, I believed they really liked me. Little did I know, they had plans for me that went beyond just ‘hanging out’.

M was the first to groom me. In the summer months, he would invite me over to his house to watch TV. In my mind, he was doing this because he wanted to be my boyfriend. I never had a boyfriend before. I was so happy. On the first two visits we watched TV downstairs. On the third visit, he asked me to go upstairs to his bedroom. My mother never told me anything about sex, so I believed his intentions were good. I couldn’t even conceptualize that he was out to hurt me. That was the farthest thing from my mind. When we got upstairs he asked me to take my pants off and lie on the bed. I could not imagine what he wanted me to do that for. I knew nothing about any type of sex. The entire thought of anything sexual was horrifying. The little I did know gave me nightmares even thinking about what males and females did together to make babies. I was so scared, but the thought of him telling me to go away and not hang around with him anymore, was even more frightening. I suppose I figured this was the price I had to pay to have his attention and admiration. He proceeded to finger me and perform oral sex on me. It hurt but I was not about to cry. I wanted to show him I was a mature woman and not a little girl. To this day, I still have flash backs. When I look down on myself, I still sometimes see him violating me. For many years, I did not respect my own sexuality because of the haunting images of that first incident. The abuse eventually escalated to giving him hand jobs and oral sodomy. To a confused and lonely child, “negative attention is better than no attention”. This was a perfect example of that old saying.

After about a year, I learned that M had a girlfriend. I found out because he took her to his homecoming dance. I was very hurt. I thought that since I had to endure all of that sexual activity, I would be the one who deserved to go to the dance. I did not have the tools to deal with that sort of mature and devastating situation at twelve years old. Things cooled off for a few months and before I knew it, his best friend T started flirting with me. I didn’t know boys talked to each other about their sexual conquests and I was too immature to understand why you should not date a boy’s best friend, so I went out with T.

I think T believed he could take me farther sexually then M was able to. He was meaner than M and since I was from an abusive home where abuse equaled love, his personality drew me even closer to him. I did the same things with T that I had done with M but what made him different was that this time I fell in love. Damn, my whole world revolved around T.

T eventually got fed up with me because I would not go any farther sexually with him, then I did with M. He also took his “public” girlfriend to the prom. This time, I was so in love with him that I could not tear myself away from him, even when I found out about his girlfriend. I was crushed. It deeply hurt me to know that I was sneaking out of my house to satisfy him sexually and that this other girl got to go to the prom with him. I was so messed up I could not see straight. It was a situation that a twelve year old should not have to deal with. I withdrew and let the situation kill any sense of self confidence I was developing. That was when the third boy R moved into the picture.

Unbeknown to me, R was part of M and T’s crew. This boy convinced me to forget about T and start seeing him. He seemed much nicer than T. I was in an intensely desperate and lonely state of mind so when he asked me out, I accepted. I told him about all of my pain and rejection and believed he really cared about me. He somehow convinced me that he was different. I was under the impression that this one would take me out in public and to the next dance. Isn’t it funny how the devil always comes up to you with a flower and a smile?

It was around that time that a fellow classmate of mine (also from a troubled home) was bragging about how she had sex for the first time. In my young mind, I thought that if I did what the big girls do, he would surely take me out in public. So at twelve years old, I was going to try having sex not compemplating what that really was or what could happen if I got pregnant. The next night I snuck out with R, I found myself down in the basement of his house in his bedroom. I will never forget that room for the rest of my life. I did not know what to do at all. I knew that he would put his penis inside of me but I did not know that he would MOVE THAT THING AROUND IN THERE! I told him I wanted to try it, but if I didn’t like it, I wanted to stop. The deal was to put it in a little and see if I wanted to continue. He agreed. I anticipated something special and loving. He was not gentile and kind at all. He rammed it all the way in. At that point, I panicked and knew I could not continue. I yelled “Stop, Stop!! It hurts!” He didn’t care. He forced me to keep going and finished inside of me. It sucks to even write this. At twelve, I did not know what just happened to me and thought that it had to be my fault. I didn’t know that I could not legally consent to sex at that age. I am stuck forever with therape of myself as a minor, being my first time. No wonder I am so angry.

I left all 3 boys alone after that but never quite got over T. When I got to high school and became fourteen years old, T came back around and was trying to get back with me since he found out that R had actually had sex with me (willingly or not). I fell for it but had learned my lesson. This time, I was not going to have sex until he took me out in public. He did for a few weeks but when I continued to refuse sex with him, he raped me in the back seat of a car with two other kids in the front seat. Those kids never even helped me. As I wrote in my last blog, all of them went to school the next day and ruined my reputation. Now I was the school slut. It was unbelievable. M also came around one more time. I told him after one date that didn’t end the way he wanted either, that I was going to tell his girlfriend about all of it. He threatened me with violence if I were to ever tell anyone. After that, I left them all alone for good.

Funny at fourteen and still underage, my first cousin on a visit to his family noticed somehow that I was sexualized and decided to take a chance with me as well. He did everything but have intercourse with me. I guess his conscience was bothering him. You should have seen the look on his face years later when I showed up to visit him, his ultra-Christian wife and three children. I never did confront him but his reaction to seeing me was priceless. Some may say it was just kids exploring, but he was seventeen at the time. He knew better.

Since being at my own school sucked, I was lucky enough to find friends that went to other surrounding schools. I was eventually going to double homecomings and prom dances with boys that were very nice to me. Unfortunately, into adulthood, I once again became attracted to abusive males and the story of my abuse continued for many more years.

Note: I left out the real names of my offenders because the statute of limitations has long past and I do not want any sort of reaction or retaliation to effect my family that still lives in that small town.

Hey Petra, what ever happened with that lawsuit?

I was asked that just the other day. I haven't thought about it for a while but I guess for the record I should write a final blog about the whole experience.

As I tell this story, I will refer to the person who sued me as "This Person". I told my attorney that I would eventually write this blog. He told me not to name any names and refer readers to other links for details. That is why this blog is written in such a vague manner because that person is so crazy that if I call them by name they will absolutely go out of their mind. This person has brought my level of understanding regarding dishonesty, insanity, and greed to a new low.

Ok, here is the whole story in my words once and for all.

In 2006 I started an Internet activist group to fight child abuse. In the fall of 2007 a fan of mine started to bother me constantly about This Person. She kept saying that This Person was gathering sex offenders and doing some really bad stuff and that we, as a new activist group, should protest This Person's and their associate's activities on the Internet. I was trying to do other things, but she was relentless. I think This Person was antagonizing this fan to get to me. I was new to my cause and whenever anyone is new to a cause they are angry and ready to do the "right thing" in the name of justice. It is what I call being ‘immature to a cause'. She finally wore me down and I started to investigate the situation. This Person, a Registered Sex Offender (RSO) and a group of RSOs and their supporters were trying to counteract and protest against the sex offenders registry. As well as, our newly forming activist group and some of my associates who were older than me at this game. In hind site, I am not sure if it was a trap to get us all tangled into a lawsuit for money or not but I was going to do what I morally felt obligated to do regardless of the consequences.

This group of RSOs was doing things that I truly believed were leaving children at risk and would make them vulnerable to sexual predators. What I understood was that their first goal was to get 40 email accounts per person and jam up their local police agency's email accounts with false reports so that when a real report, from a person in distress came through, it would get lost in the shuffle. As far as I was concerned, if you mess with the cops protecting kids, you are messing with me. The next thing I observed was This Person's main web site where This Person would instruct other RSOs on how to evade the sex offender registry by doing things like falsifying their data and obstructing their fingerprint identification process by putting latex on their fingers prior to getting their prints taken. The sex offender registry is set up for a reason, and that is to keep track of these predators so that they cannot access our children. The last time I checked, falsifying information you give to the police was a crime. The last thing I saw was This Person's You Tube videos. In one of This Person's videos, This Person very calmly and manipulatively sent a message out to mothers that if they report their male, sex offender partners who sexually abuse their children, they would be ostracized in their communities and that their children would be made fun of at school, etc. I mean, DAMN! It is hard enough to get these people to report these crimes. We don't need someone trying to scare them out of doing it. I felt that if a traumatized mother in this situation saw this video she may NOT report the crimes going on in her home, and the children being molested would continue to be destroyed for the rest of their childhoods and for the rest of their lives, for that matter.

RCW 9A.050 Reckless Endangerment: A person is guilty of reckless endangerment when he or she recklessly engages in conduct that creates a substantial risk of death or serious physical injury to another person. http://apps.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=9A.36.050

The way I saw was that these actions were a felony called Reckless Endangerment. How does it apply to this case? Well if an RSO is successful in evading the sex offender registry, then it leaves the children in their community vulnerable to child predators. If This Person's instructions actually worked and a child was assaulted, molested or raped, then This Person would have needed to be stopped. In my mind, This Person and their associates were putting kids at greater risk of kidnapping, molestation, rape, and murder. When you help child predators, this is what they are capable of. This situation also ties closely into a petition that I wrote called April's Law that would make it illegal for sexual predators to compare notes online and help each other commit crimes against children. If April's Law was actually a law we would not have these problems. http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/worldwide-petition-for-aprils-law-in-the-us I suppose you can tell someone how to build a bomb on the internet but they are the criminal if they do it and they kill someone. I felt that in this case, it was different because crimes against adults are different from crimes against children. It is not a fair fight with kids. They cannot defend themselves the way that you or I can. There is a fine line between putting out information and conspiring to commit crime. In my opinion, they were conspiring to commit crimes against children. There were others posting blogs and information about This Person and I was getting in on it. I live by "Evil prevails when good people do nothing." And, I was not about to do nothing.

This all occurred shortly after my activist group, through activists protests, forced the closing down of a web site owned buy a man known as the "Pedo King" who had thousands of pedophile followers online. I guess we thought we were on a roll. I started a web site devoted to exposing This Person and the dangerous messages they were putting out. We found that this person had 7 web sites and blogs. Our activist protest’s job was to complain and let the hosting sites know what kind of information This Person was putting on their site and that This Person had criminal associations that could harm the reputations of Internet hosting companies. Everything we said was true. These people observed the same thing we did and willingly closed This Person's accounts on their sites. I even sent this person a message on our web site stating that they should shut down their pedophile supporter web sites and blogs because if not eventually our protests would have the same effect. The only sites we could not get to cooperate were hosted over seas where, in some cases, they support this type of thing. All of the people and groups protesting collectively succeeded in shutting down 5 of This Person's web sites/blogs. Then our web site got hit with a DOS (Denial Of Service) attack and was shut down by a computer hacker. (Internet child predators are excellent hackers, by the way). That was also the time when I started to receive my first death threats. At that point, I knew that This Person was starting to gain influence with the big boys of the pedophile world by their ability to hack us down. I always knew that very powerful people were child molesters and supported RSOs and their rights, but I guess at the time, I was to naïve to think that they would help This Person.

Well they did help This Person all the way to the national media. I got a call one day from the producer of a "National News Program" (that will also remain nameless) The lady told me that they were doing a piece on child abuse and wanted me to fly to New York to interview me since I seemed like a good advocate for my cause. I didn't know it was an ambush by RSO sympathizers. So, like a dumb ass I got on the plane. I got to the TV studio and the first thing I told the newscaster (also nameless) interviewing me was that I did I DID NOT want to talk about This Person because they had small children. He did not respect my wish. I came there to talk about the cause only. Anyway, he railroaded me into talking about it. I did not know that they would hack the interview by cutting and pasting answers to questions that they had asked me. Man, was I naïve! For example, he said that This Person was receiving death threats. I told him that I was threatened all of the time. They conveniently edited that out. After I said that, he shook his head as if to say "Damn that was not the answer that I needed to make you look bad." At the end of the interview, he told me that I did really well. Funny, I felt like I had just lived through a Taliban interrogation session, but I did not care. I figured that no publicity was bad publicity. In time I was proven to be right. I did not find out till later that many thought the company who was named in the suit along with me, Perverted Justice, from another TV show, was an archrival of the show that interviewed. I also found out that the show that interviewed me, in many people’s opinion and on many occasions, appeared sympathetic to RSOs. Xavier the man that runs P.J. has always been cordial with me. He is My Hero! I could kick myself for not consulting with him before I left for New York.

When the show aired, the whole segment was about This Person and not about my work for the cause, as they originally told me it would be. They even allowed This Person to read an email on TV that I never sent, in an attempt to make it look like I sent it. I never contacted this person once in my entire life. I only protested their actions on our web site. They also showed a funny computer generated image of This Person in a KKK out fit that I never created or published! The show could never prove that I ever did either of those things. It was lying, media business as usual. Even the people that created the image were like, "damn we didn't even get credit for it." If you find the image yourself, you will find it on another person's blog with another person name on it. I did do a comedic parody about This Person mimicking This Person's YouTube videos because This Person was a public figure for their cause. This Person stood up in a legislative committee and spoke for their fellow RSOs, as one their representatives, in their advocacy community. This person also claimed to be a popular article writer for rock stars. The show even stated that This Person was on the sex offender registry. So “our” saying they were an RSO on the web site was also true. It is 100% percent legal to make jokes about public figures. Ask any comedian? Then, they showed This Person with a gun saying they had to protect themselves from me and my activist group. Finally, the newscaster accused me of posting this person's address. The show could not prove that I did that, because I never did, but others that I knew of did. Besides, SEX OFFENDER'S ADDRESSES ARE PUBLIC RECORD DUMB ASS!

The day after the show aired the show's web site blog blew up with my fans trying to defend my honor. One fan wrote that I never sent This Person an email, so the email message This Person read on the taping was probably written by This Person them self. There were over one hundred thirty comments arguing and debating the show. Unbelievably, every time one of my people tried to write something positive about me, the show's web site masters/editors would delete the comments. Is everyone that works on that show an RSO or sex offender supporter? It makes me wonder what is on that newscaster's hard drive. I knew that it was illegal for a registered sex offender to own a gun, so after the show, I called the police in This Person's state and they said that they would handle the situation. My fans and supporters even started a boycott protesting the show and posted blogs and bulletins all over the Internet protesting the shows slander fest. http://imposteralert.blogspot.com/

Over the next week, I learned even more. First, I was contacted by another fellow advocate and they told me that they had a similar thing happen to them. The media totally trashed her too. Second, a minister friend of mine who was also in the entertainment business, told me to never go in front of the national media without an attorney or an inside person to protect me who can guarantee that they will portray me in a positive light. I learned the hard way that when you take on child predators that you need to remember that they have friends in high places. Third, a friend of mine said "Yes, he tried to make you look bad but you held your own and didn't let him get you down." Deep down I believe her.

I spoke with an attorney after the show who instructed me that it was an illegal media practice to tell someone that they were going to be interviewed about one thing and then change the topic at the interview. If I had known that I was being interviewed about This Person, I would have declined the interview or I would have been properly prepared. This Person knew that they were being interviewed about me! This seemingly reputable news organization was not so reputable after all. Then again, most of them lie. Isn't that common knowledge? I could have sued the network for slander but when I investigated the last person to sue that show, they did not get far. Besides does anyone ever see a recant? I am not the lawsuit type and was not up for the fight. I let it ride. One day, all of those scum bags will meet God and His justice will be more severe than anything that I could bring upon them.

My feedback from the show was amazingly positive. Another strange thing that I found out that happened was the night of the show, most of the south eastern coast of the US was hit by an electrical storm and their power was out for two hours. They missed the whole thing. Besides, that damn interview brought my fame to whole new level. After the show, I had family members call to congratulate me and my web sites received half a million hits in one week. The outpour of support was overwhelming. I guess the power of God and good prevailed over evil, in this case. This Person still has that clip posted. I chuckle every time I see it. I couldn't pay for that kind of publicity. Damn, I should send This Person a thank you note. I hope they never take it down. One fan even told me that it has made me a legend within my cause. Go figure! LOL

Then the lawsuit came. I was going to ditch it, but others in my real crew were located, so I felt obligated to stand in front of them. Despite the fact that our web site and its content were created by an advocate overseas, I claimed copyright to all information posted. I was sued along with Perverted Justice, a blogging community called Absolute Zero and others who protested This Person. OMG This Person accused me and my people of slander, defamation even R.I.C.O. RICO? Right, like I am some kind of mob boss or something. It was a JOKE SUIT! On our web site, we simply took the information that This Person posted them self on their web site and explained how it was dangerous to children to have these sort of messages out there on the Internet. It was all true and it was my first amendment right to express my opinion about the matter. It was felt that it was also my moral obligation to protect kids from these monsters. I found out a couple of months into that a few vigil anti types did send This Person threatening emails claiming that they were part of my crew. I wrote a formal apology to That Person for it, even though I was not responsible for what other people did. I also wrote that I was not sorry for what I thought I needed to do on my web site, in the name of child safety.

In my first Motion to Dismiss the case, I told the judge about the whole Reckless Endangerment thing and I admitted to everything that I was responsible for. I believed that what I did was right and I was going to stand behind it. I eventually hired a fabulous attorney that crushed the lawsuit. Man was he a bad ass! If you ever need an attorney I would recommend him any day of the week. The judge called it a "frivolous" law suit and a "waste of the courts time." In the end, the case was dismissed with prejudice. By the looks of This Person's claim, they were obviously out for money.

Needless to say, the group surrounding This Person seems to have disappeared and so has their media support. I did a Google search for the case the other day. It seems the legal biosphere is considering this case to be one that has set a precedent in Internet law. There are almost three Google pages of blogs and information on this case. Some seem confused by the judges decision, but they must remember that JUST BECAUSE SOME ONE ACCUSES YOU OF SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN IT'S TRUE. I hope that my fans will go to these legal blogger web sites and leave a link to this blog in their comments or send them a message about it. (Knowing them it is a good possibility). Maybe some truth may enlighten them, since they are hearing only one side of the story. This Person's supporters and my usual tired old haters call me estranged. MMmmmm….I have a new company that is succeeding despite the odds in this economy and I am about to drop a new CD this year. If that is estranged, I need the word to be redefined to me. Hey, how do you know when an RSO is lying? …………Right! When their lips are moving and their fingers are typing and typing and typing.

The last I heard, This Person was trying to file another suit. Suing people for a living must be tough business. I am totally over all of it. I still get death threats, but now I have friends in law enforcement and eyes all over the world. They don't even scare me any more. Now when it happens, I let the FBI handle it. Fighting against organized crime types that exploit children can be dangerous business, but I move around a lot. Most of the time I do not know where I will be next. Thanks to technology, I can do my business from anywhere in the world. If some one wants a piece of me they have to get in line! I learned that haters are good. If you have no haters, you are not fighting effectively for your cause. Just the other day I said to my volunteer that I have not heard from any haters lately. Maybe I need to work harder. LOL

I eventually came to the conclusion that activism may shut down a few web sites here and there, but the next day, ten more will be published. Now I have a non-profit organization and have plans to make real change. People tell me that the pedophiles are scared of me and that most people think that I am a ruthless rebel, but for a great cause. I suppose that I will always be a warrior at heart. Today, I aim to put child predators out of business the smart way. Instead of brawn and activism, I am going to use my brain. Being that I come from a family of geniuses, they have even more reason to fear me more now than ever. I have just barely gotten started on my quest to stop those scum bags.

The bottom line is, if I had done something criminal, I would be in jail and if I were wrong, This Person's law suit and appeal would not have been dismissed, PERIOD! Everything I did and said was based on facts that could not be denied. The scary part is that I think that This Person actually believed their own lies. I don't think that anyone could woven a tale that twisted without being a little bit nuts. There really needs to be stronger laws in place to protect people from frivolous and malicious lawsuits. Seems that in the US, anyone can make up anything and sue over it. In hind sight, If I had to do it over again, I probably would.

How do I feel now? Well, I learned a lot. I would rather have lived serving my creator and standing up to evil then sitting back and letting it prevail. The US media can kiss my ass. I never needed them before and no one trusts them anyway. I will always be an underground rock star. My loved ones and my supporters worldwide know what I did was right and they are the ONLY ones that matter. You know…..This story, with some embellishments, could be a great one for Law and Order's SVU show. Maybe it should be send it to their writers. Real life is always stranger than fiction. But don't listen to me, look into it and make your own judgment. You will soon find yourself on my friends list. :)

For more information on this story go to: http://jankruska.blogspot.com/.

My School Years by Petra Luna

The Lavender Power ladies have asked me a few times to write my story. I was trying to oblige them but for some strange reason, I was having some sort of writers block and was not able to do it. It took a tragedy to make me see why.

I was watching a TV show about the Virginia Tech Massacre and they showed a video of Seung-Hui Cho going on and on about how the kids at his school would bully and pick on him. The worst part is that the kids who he killed did not even know him, much less torture him.

This tragedy and many like it are caused by 3 factors; 1.) Mental illness, an area where the parents and the mental health system failed. Somehow these people slip through the cracks and go unchecked. 2.) Easy access to weapons. How this man was cleared to have those handguns is uncomprehencible. 3.) The problem that created the rage to make Cho commit mass murder. The bullying and teasing that is hard enough for a normal kid to handle but impossible for a mentally ill person to even deal with.

When the show was over, I had these strange feelings that ovewhelmed me and I wasn’t sure what it was. I just knew that when he was talking about the kids picking on him, I remembered when I was a kid, how so many times as a result of being bullied and picked on, I wanted to lock the doors of my school and blow it up with all those horrible people in it. The difference between him and me is not the rage, but that fact that he acted upon those urges and I didn’t. I can remember being asked to come to a reunion at my High School. I was so upset and angry that a woman who was on the side of the kids who tortured me, would have the nearve to ask me to a reunion. I sent her a letter stating I was working on a new CD and would be in New York that weekend and to never, EVER send me her junk mail again. I was not good enough for them then and I have no use for them now. She replied saying that they would love to get to talk to me and know me now. Yea, now that I have done something with my life. My brother who remained in the area where I was raised would always say to me, “They were just kids back then”. (There were 3 brothers. This one did not get picked on.) Sorry, not good enough. Yes, I have unresoved issues here. I am only human. I will never be proud to announce where I went to Grade School or High School. Those people and those places are dead to me. Damn, for me as a kid, there was no safe place at home and no safe place at school.

When I was a child, my mother suffered from mild schitsophrenia and paranoia and had many metal challenges. When she was around her kids she would abuse us, so on most occasions, she would just neglect us completely. My father was in a specialized profession that kept him away from home most of the time but he did the best he could to raise us despite that violent and hostile conditions. He is old school and divorce was not an option. Needless to say, I would go to school without being woken up at all. I remember someone always yelling for me to get up because the bus was at the end of the driveway. I would jump out of bed and put on what clothes I could find. It was usually the same thing I wore the day before. I only had 3 or 4 outfits to wear for the whole year and as the year went on, the clothes got more and more worn out. I would also run to the bus in the snow barefoot because I did not have time to put on my shoes and wet socks were horrible to be in all day. My hair was never combed and I always looked unkept. Breakfast was non-existant and I almost never had lunch money. Most kids had nice lunch boxes and cool food. I would catch hell for forgetting my lunch money all the time. The school cafeteria still let me eat and had my Dad pay later. I really wanted to be a part of afterschool activities but that meant I missed the bus home and with my Dad working late, there was no one to pick me up. When I did join an activity, I would wait outside the school alone on many occasions, with no way home since my house was 10 miles from school. I was a perfect target for child predators. It’s a good things my angels were always watching me. Eventually, my Dad would come get me after work when it was already dark. With all that going on, I was the excellent target for being isolated, picked on, bullied and tortured by the kids at school. Also, coming from a big family, my oldest and one of my middle brothers were also subject to this abuse. I always say that those who are physically wonded usually always heal but phscycological abuse can leave many perminantly damaged.

Myself, my oldest and the younger middle brother always got abused by the other kids. We were always laughed at and never chosen to be on anyone's groups or teams for class activities. In the 6th grade, a bully made me run laps in front of the other kids and forced me to beat up my best friend. The younger, middle brother was gay and was staring to act differently. He was beat up on the playground, more like the hunting ground, everyday. The oldest one came out OK but the younger brother could have easily become a kid that would shoot all his class mates now. His bullying and teasing case was probably the worst I have ever seen with my own eyes. The 3 of us hated school.

Now you have to remember that I never had any guidance and was starved for anyone to pay attention to me. I had no explanations of sex except “Don’t’ have sex with boys” and when I was trying to tell my Mom that I got my period, she yelled saying. “I am not driving you anywhere!” I cried and ran away. When I was a Freshman in High School and about 14 years old, there was a group of boys that were Juniors (2 years older). This group of boys knew me from grade school and thought I would be a great target for their sexual explorations. One boy pretended to really like me and I did not know how to handle it. Because I was so afraid to loose the kindness that was being shown to me by that boy, I gave in to sex and lost my virginity and was dumped shortly afterwards. It was a terrible experience. There was another boy in the group that I fell madly in love with and desperately wanted to have as a boyfriend. He did take me out a few times and became frustrated when I would not give him what his “friend” got. One weekend afternoon, we took a drive with another couple. There was a boy and girl in the front seat and I was in the back seat with him. We stared to kiss and when I refused to comply with his wishes, he raised his fist and proceeded to rape me in that back seat while the two in the front did nothing to help me. THEN, to add insult to injury they all went to school the next Monday and had me marked as the school SLUT! After that, I was never asked to one dance by a boy that went to my own school. Not to mention the teasing, and isolation was at an all time high. I remember a violent outburst I had in class one day after I just couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed “All of you low life small minded evil people are going to pay someday for what you did to me and my brother!!”. The principal and I were well acquainted. I decided to defy all of them and got all As and went on to college and even graduated with Honors! I also made friends from other schools and went to thier dances and mine as well. At 17 I left that small town, never to return.

My brother did become a member on MENSA, a certified genius and was able work for a few years as an engineer but all the abuse caught up with him. Today he is pumped up on so many drugs that he is unable to focus or work and is currently on disability. He has attempted to kill himself several times. I’m not sure if I could ever forgive those monsters. It would take a formal apology from those schools for me to even think about it and that will never happen.

Who do I blame? I blame the school first and foremost for forcing my brothers and I to go out on the playground for recess when we did not want to. They knew what was happening and chose to do nothing. I blame the parents for not getting a grip on their cruel kids, even when the school occasionally notified them. I also blame ALL of the kids that stood there and watched my brothers and I be tortured day after day and even be raped and did NOTHING!

How many more massacres is it going to take for us to start paying attention to this terrible problem? I cannot do anything about the mental health system or about gun control but out respect for the innocent victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre and their families, as the leader of the War On Abuse Movement, I SURE THE HELL CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT BULLIES AND THEIR ACCOMPLICES!!! You can bet your ass I can and will! I am vowing right now to start a new child abuse battle dedicated to the awareness and prevention of schoolmate bullying and teasing. I will need volunteers for this? It is abuse and it need to be stomped out, PERIOD!

I am going to suggest training teachers to identify and act on this problem and for parents to become aware and find out if you’re their child is a victim, bully or an accomplice. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem!

THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION WAS ADVISED BY MOTHERS AND THERAPISTS
For those guilty of instigating and committing these acts, proper punishment should be the following;

1st offence-parents called and detention where the child has to write 2 letters. One, on why they did it and two, an apology to the victim.

2nd offence-parents called with suspension from school and community service.

3rd offense-expultion and transfer to another school.

Also, any physical assaults on or off school grounds should be counted as a misdemeanor with community service. Any further assaults are already covered by the criminal justice system.

For those who stand by and don’t report the incidents to the teachers, please see 1 and 2 above?

I also will suggest a class to be given on how to handle teasing and bullying in schools. These kids need to be responsible for their actions.

THE BULLY OF TODAY IS THE BATTERER OF TOMORROW!

The Turning Point by Petra Luna

Welcome To My Personal Blog!
This blog was given to me as a gift from Absolute Zero. Isn’t it beautiful???

Many times over I have been asked, “What happened to you to make you so driven towards fighting child abuse?” Well there is one of my abuse stories that had changed my life and to launch this beautiful new blog, I have sat down to write it.

(Note: The names have been changed to protect the people involved in this story.)

THE TURNING POINT by Petra Luna

I met Sam in 1997. He was extremely handsome and charming, as many abusers are. I stayed with him three years. The first two years were great until the end of the third year when we got engaged and I moved in with him. I had a great life in the city of Chicago and my apartment was a steal! But I decided to move to the suburbs with Sam and let the city life go for him. He had 3 children, a teenage daughter and son from a first marriage and another small daughter from a second marriage. At the time, he was going through a vicious and difficult divorce with his second ex-wife. I never understood her rage until I learned who Sam really was, and that was not until I moved in. I set up my little office in a downstairs room, while the rest of the house and his office and computer were upstairs. His oldest son was named Brent. He was always in and out of prison and drug rehab. He would cut himself with a razor. There were always slices on his face, arms, legs and abdomen and his drug of choice was heroin. Sam and I would fight often about how I felt that Brent was not being given a fair shake since he was forced to live on the streets and could never come home to Sam’s house since he couldn’t “follow the rules”. Sam and Brent had a strained relationship. His daughter from the 1st marriage, Shawna lived with Sam’s parents since the divorce and was very lucky for that. Candi was his youngest 4 year old daughter from the most recent marriage and her mother was the one in a divorce and custody battle for her. Sam had Candi three days a week during their divorce litigation. After I got moved in and settled, little Candi would always want to be downstairs and play in my office. After the second week, Sam would scold Candi for spending too much time downstairs. You would think if I were to eventually be her step mother, that he would want me to bond with the child. I started to see a terror in the child’s eyes for her father, but I was in denial at the time. Love is not just blind, it is stupid. Shauna would visit on occasion and when she did, Sam seemed to ignore her and she would sit with nothing to do, so I would always try to take the teens to activities and then get angry with Sam for not doing his part. Meanwhile, the battle to let Brent come back home off the streets raged on. All of his kids seemed to want to bond with me. Perhaps, I was the only sane adult in that house at the time.

The relationship between Sam and I grew even more toxic and abusive. I knew he had an abusive side and he did abuse me at times, but as any good victim, I had every excuse to defend him. By the time I moved in, he had me completely, mentally brain washed and I allowed him to abuse me sexually against my will. After a lifetime of abuse I had no skills to combat the abuse in any way. I just submitted 100% with no will to protect myself. I had never met the 2nd ex-wife but was friendly with the mother of the teens from the first marriage. At the end of the third week there, he came up to me and told me that I had to move out by the end of the week. “Why so soon!?” I was shocked that I had picked up my entire life to be with him and he did not even give me a week to move out of his house. I was crushed beyond all comprehension. A day latter he presented me with what he called a “Sex Contract”. The contract said that I could stay at his house if I promised to have sex with him wearing whatever he wanted, however he wanted and whenever he wanted. I told him that I needed to think about it. After a few hours of prayer, I took the contract and tore it up in his face. He left for work and then the phone rang. I don’t normally answer his phone but I though it was him calling to give me an apology for the thousandth time. It was Melony, his first ex-wife and the mother of the teens. She asked for Sam and I told her he was not in. She could see that I was crying and asked if I was alright. I told her that Sam was being awful to me and continued to cry. Without hesitation she told me, “Get your stuff and get out of that house, TODAY!! You have no idea what you are involved with over there.” She was married to Sam for 12 years so I knew I should listen. I moved out a week latter into an apartment in the same town so I could continue to date Sam. I know, you are thinking, she is crazy. Well, I was. After I left, Sam found another girlfriend and I became suicidal. I was so ready to die that I was writing out a little will for myself. I could not and would not live without him. I was too far gone. Melony started to check on me and knew I was near the end. She invited me over 3 times a week for prayer vigils so that I would not kill myself. In a few weeks God did give me the strength to survive. I can thank Melody for saving my life. She did. I had hard feelings for Melody because she was married to a man that didn’t like or want kids. He would not allow Brent to even visit. I confronted him and asked why he would marry a woman with kids if he did not want them. I also would grill her as to why she would choose a man over her kids. Despite the opinions, she became by best friend and would let me cry on the phone with her for up to 6 hours at a time, a real saint. Sam eventually left the new girlfriend and returned to me. I was in therapy but had no resistance to him. As always, I was a perfect victim. Although, when I did go back, I was seeing things through different eyes and I was not as trusting. The therapy was starting to help. God was keeping an eye out for me and I could feel it, this time around.

Then one night changed everything for me. I was cooking and Brent came to dinner. He started begging Sam to let him stay the night and as always, his father said no. Then Brent said that if he couldn’t stay with his dad that he did have somewhere to go but he would have to have sex with the man in order to earn his keep. I watched for Sam’s reaction and it was just a blank stare. After another half hour of begging, I asked if he wanted me to take him myself since it was the middle of winter and he didn’t have a ride. I got in the car with Brent and drove him to the man’s house and cursed his fathers name the whole way home. When I flung open the door, it was war! I screamed at him and said, “What kind of man would let his own son go and prostitute himself to have a bed to sleep in at night?” My eyes were opened at that point. Denial showed its evil head, but this time it was different. A few days later, I walked in on him and little Candi in the shower. I will spare the details. I ran out of the house shaking. That was it! I have to do something to protect little Candi and that was my final decision. If not, she will end up just like Brent someday or even worse, dead on the streets at 14. That was not going to happen to her, not on my watch!

I went to Melony and started asking why her son was so messed up? We visited Brent who was living in horribly, filthy conditions in a basement room without heat. Please keep in mind that the Chicago area has record low temperatures in the winter time. Melody started to tell me how Sam’s mother was suspected of sexually abusing Sam and then I snapped. I told her that if she doesn’t help me find out what was wrong with Brent that she was a failure as a woman and a mother. At that point, I cut her off from lack of respect. I believe a mother should defend her children with her life if necessary. I told her that she and ex number 2 was scared of him but I wasn’t and he can go to hell! I am reporting him with or without them. Many times I told myself, “These are not my kids, just walk away,” but I loved them and simply could not. I was not scared of him any more and Melony and the 2nd ex-wife needed to step up to the plate! It took me another month but Melony decided to help me for the sake of Candi. She started by writing a 4 page letter about all she remembered that had happened I the past. She remembered how at a family function one year, that her nieces complained of Sam touching them inappropriately. She also recalled walking into Brent’s room to find him inspecting his rectum. She suspected that his anus was injured and although she had suspicions, she was too afraid of Sam, being his victim for so many years at that point, to act on them. She told me the creepiest thing one time. She said that before my children were even born, that he had her believing that they weren’t even hers. Now that is brainwashing at its worst, ouch! Then we tracked down ex number 2 and she said that one day Candi came home telling her that Daddy had touched her in the underwear are. She took the child to be examined by a doctor, but Candi’s hymen was not broken. Even Brent to opened up and admitted to a family friend that his father had been raping him for years. It was on. We called DCFS, the county and the state police but ex number two decided that since she was scared of Sam and in a custody battle, so she would not get involved. Brent at first promised to testify, but Sam caught wind of our plans and was able to silence him by letting Brent come home to an allowance and his own room. Since Brent had turned 18, we were not able to pursue the case if he refused to testify. Brent refused to talk after that. I guess drug money to an addict is more important than justice or Candi. Melony and I were crushed. We had to let it go and just pray for little Candi.

Two weeks passed and Sam showed up at my job with flowers and yet another marriage proposal for me. After many ignored phone calls, I finally picked up and told him everything we accused him of and that Melony and I had reported him to the authorities. His only response was, “You can’t prove anything” in a tone as cold as ice. Any innocent man would have attempted to clear his name and straighten out the misunderstanding. Not him, he was guilty as hell and he knew it. I would cry myself to sleep thinking about little Candi and how I failed to protect her. Candi’s mom never hated me like I thought, she was glad to have me live there and keep an eye on her daughter. Now, no one could save her. I could only pray for all of them.

Two months had passed and I started dating a man long distance. He was an executive from the west coast. It was all I could handle at the time. Besides, I wanted to leave Chicago for good after that. There were too many bad memories in that town. One Sunday night, after spending a great weekend with my new man, he and I were driving to the airport, so he could fly back home, when my best friend, at the time, called me crying hysterically. She said that Sam was dead and that he had committed suicide. His funeral and memorial service were some of the worst experiences in my life. I actually mourned the passing of my worst abuser, unbelievable! After the services, I went to his house and saw the bed where he shot himself, with blood all over it. I don’t know why, but I had to see it. His mother was there and I asked her if there was any fowl play since Brent was living there at the time and he was found by his then girlfriend at the time. I never knew her name. I figured maybe Brent drove him to guilt or threatened to expose him for whatever reason. His mother, who always thought that I was never good enough for her son told me plainly that the coroner declared it a suicide and that was it. I was able to locate the officer who found him and also spoke to him. I told him everything and he said what I was thinking, that any innocent man would have tried to clear his name and that many child molesters take their lives out of guilt. At that point I stopped digging. The Lord’s justice was not to be messed with.

Two years passed and I was able to pay off my large debt and move to Los Angeles. That incident inspired the writing of my CD “Empowerment”, which I recorded here in LA. I was so upset that he not only preyed on and destroyed his everyone’s lives around him, but he left his children with that terrible legacy of his death. I still get to spend holidays with his kids occasionally and I keep a picture of Candi by my bed to remind me of my purpose. Oh, and Melody eventually left her husband that did not want kids around. Candi now lives with her mom and a loving step dad. They are all very happy.

Then I got angry.